Yes yes, I know: "after all, its only a job interview"

Interviewed at a place I really liked - good company, nice people, close to S's office. I think I messed it up.

I know this feeling will pass, but for now I feel so useless :(

I wanna sleep and wake up to find my confidence and sense of self-worth back.

You never grow out of somethings in life - like how you feel after a messed up interview :)

Btw, slightly tangential topic: even after many years of work experience, can one successfully answer: "What is your dream job?". You just keep moving on to the next best/better thing that comes along, right? Each job I take up, I love more than the previous job - isn't that good enough?

I don't know what I learnt....

Remember Pir Panjal range from high school geography class? When I learnt it, "Pir Panjal" was just a proper noun / name of some mountain. Until now.

To all my teachers: Couldn't you have F***-ING shown us pictures like these when you taught us?: http://www.kettik.com/go/photos/page/1?area=manali&continent=asia&country=india&province=himachal

Driven by Fear

Since the start of this year, I have been gripped by a fear that I did not have before - fear of losing the kind of life and the freedom that I have now and not being able to get back.

I am making checklists and working on checking items off it. Hoping to check most of them off before something happens that puts a plug on making such checklists. I don't know what that "something" is and when it would come. All I know is that I fear it.

Maybe that something is as grave as death; maybe it's just a normal life event such as the birth of a child; maybe it is the need to move back to India and fight the social struggles.
I don't know.

I pray for the strength to always just do what feels right to me and what makes me happiest. WHATEVER that means I have to do.
If I knew I had that strength, I wouldn't have this fear.

Appa

There are a number of things that I have felt my parents could have done a better job at (with respect to bringing me up). Especially appa - coz amma mostly followed appa's directions.

But the last poem reminded me of one thing that they (especially appa) did so perfectly that it seemed like it came naturally to them without any effort.

"Don't expect your children to love you, so they can, if they want to."

And that one thing I know is the F*ING hardest thing to do. I don't know if its humanly possible to feel that way even with intense effort. And to be able to do it naturally must mean some Godliness got into appa somehow.

That makes me angry with him for making me guilty forever.... guilty of not ever being able to match-up; guilty of not even knowing what to do to match-up; guilty of not repaying the debt; guilty that I can't offer my child what he offered me. And guilty that  I don't think I will ever have the guts to tell him how highly I think of him for just this one trait.

How To Be Perfect

Myself and some people very close to my heart have always loved Rudyard Kipling's "If". We hoped it would be our guiding principle to life (although it's been very hard to make that happen :) ). 

This poem below that I heard on NPR reminded me of Kipling's "If".... albeit a seemingly simpler version. [Note that I say 'seemingly' - it sounds simple but has some very profound nuggets like this one: "Don't think that progress exists. It doesn't." ]

                                    How to be Perfect 

                                                                         by Ron Padgett

Get some sleep.

Eat an orange every morning.

Be friendly. It will help make you happy.

Hope for everything. Expect nothing.

Take care of things close to home first. Straighten up your room
before you save the world. Then save the world.
Be nice to people before they have a chance to behave badly.

Don't stay angry about anything for more than a week, but don't
forget what made you angry. Hold your anger out at arm's length
and look at it, as if it were a glass ball. Then add it to your glass 
ball collection.

Wear comfortable shoes.

Do not spend too much time with large groups of people.

Plan your day so you never have to rush.

Show your appreciation to people who do things for you, even if
you have paid them, even if they do favors you don't want.

After dinner, wash the dishes.

Calm down.

Don't expect your children to love you, so they can, if they want 
to.

Don't be too self-critical or too self-congratulatory.

Don't think that progress exists. It doesn't.

Imagine what you would like to see happen, and then don't do
anything to make it impossible.

Forgive your country every once in a while. If that is not 
possible, go to another one.

If you feel tired, rest.

Don't be depressed about growing older. It will make you feel 
even older. Which is depressing.

Do one thing at a time.

If you burn your finger, put ice on it immediately. If you bang
your finger with a hammer, hold your hand in the air for 20
minutes. you will be surprised by the curative powers of ice and
gravity.

Do not inhale smoke.

Take a deep breath.

Do not smart off to a policeman.

Be good.

Be honest with yourself, diplomatic with others.

Do not go crazy a lot. It's a waste of time. 

Drink plenty of water. When asked what you would like to 
drink, say, "Water, please."

Take out the trash.

Love life.

Use exact change.

When there's shooting in the street, don't go near the window.

To Happiness

Heard this poem om NPR radio. The poem is simply about a guy inviting his friend to stay over for sometime. But in it, I saw the essence of what I consider a marriage to be. I read it as being written by someone who is inviting their chosen life partner to spend the life with them.

To Happiness
 - by Carl Dennis

If you're not approaching, I hope at least
You're off to comfort someone who needs you more,
Not lost wandering aimlessly
Or drawn to the shelter of well-lit rooms
Where people assume you've arrived already.

If you're coming this way, send me the details—
The name of the ship, the port it leaves from—
So I can be down on the dock to help you
Unload your valises, your trunks and boxes
And stow them in the big van I'll have rented.

I'd like this to be no weekend stay
Where a single change of clothes is sufficient.
Bring clothes for all seasons, enough to fill a closet;
And instead of a single book for the bedside table
Bring boxes of all your favorites.

I'll be eager to clear half my shelves to make room,
Eager to read any titles you recommend.
If we've many in common, feel free to suggest
They prove my disposition isn't to blame
For your long absence, just some problems of attitude,

A few bad habits you'll help me set to one side.
We can start at dinner, which you're welcome
To cook for us while I sweep and straighten
And set the table. Then light the candles
You've brought from afar for the occasion.

Light them and fill the room I supposed I knew
With a glow that shows me I was mistaken.
Then help me decide if I'm still the person I was
Or someone else, someone who always believed in you
And imagined no good reasons for your delay.

Creation

People finding one thing beautiful,
Think another unbeautiful,
Finding one creation sound,
They judge another unsound.
Yet, creation and destruction,
Difficult and easy,
High and low,
All arise from each other.
Since something and nothing
Give birth to one another,
Offer texture to a life,
And nourish the imagination,
A creative person accepts no rules,
And knows that opposites,
Are part of the whole.
Accepting everything as it is,
The let it come and go,
As something to participate in,
Yet not to dominate,
To nourish, yet not to possess.
In union with what is,
They give birth freely,
Without claiming authority,
For creativity is all around,
And within us all.

~ Lao Tzu

"Short term" vs "Near term"

I had some senior person proof read some work documentation that I wrote. I was told "short team goal" has a negative connotation and "near term goal" is the phrase to use instead. Interesting!

Also, I thought "enables us [insert any verb here; e.g. drive]" and "enables us to [insert any verb here; e.g. drive]" were both right. Wrong! The "to" is needed after the "enables us". Oh well...

So much that I dont know even in a language that I speak fluently!

Minesweeper

Played the game minesweeper? Its this game where there are mines and you need to discover all the mines without clicking on them.

Hubby said something profound today: "Dealing with some people is like playing the minesweeper game"

Tadaa!! :)

Is this my "problem-solver stage" in life?

Once, not very long ago at all, I used to cringe when friends tried to offer solutions to my problems when I cribbed to them about random issues in everyday life. I never used to crib to people in an effort to have them help me find a solution - that is not what I needed from them. I just wanted someone to hear me out. I just wanted an avenue to vent. Once I had had my vent session, my head would clear up enough for me to think through the issue rationally and come up with a solution myself. Or maybe I wouldnt even bother finding a solution. I could live with those issues as long as I had an outlet for my expressing my discomfort with them.

No more. I have become the person that I used to cringe at - the "problem-solver", the "solution-finder". A friend cribs to me and I HAVE to "help" them out by offering solutions. Issues in my life are "bugs to be resolved", "open items to be closed" or "ship-stoppers". As a close friend put it perfectly, is my work now re-modelling my personality?